Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
mmm onion ringos
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”