I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.