*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
greetings!
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?