Peace was never an option
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
had to make it
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.