[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Guilty! 🤪
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class