dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.