[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Time for evil
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit