date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.