Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I already tried new things thanks.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake