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What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Venn
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.