Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
After 35, your body ages in dog years
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.