Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
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My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Not my job 😂
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
When you kidnap a writer.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*