I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
life finds a way
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Where’s my employee discount too?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.