Me: how are you
Friday: good
You Might Also Like
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.