you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
cat vs inanimate object
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”