It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Dear Lord..
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
much to think about
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.