Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.