Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.