BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…