Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
You Might Also Like
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it