My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Florida be like…
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.