painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
This 4th of July, please remember…
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it