Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
oh my god
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery