I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
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I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
three things we don’t talk about