Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
those birds must be on payroll
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.