I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
You Might Also Like
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “