I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️