Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters