[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
You Might Also Like
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
just gave your address to some spiders
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream