I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
What?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.