Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Yup.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap