Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.