Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
peak technology
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.