My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
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If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Woke up against my better judgement again
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines