Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
You Might Also Like
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma