Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Nice try, NASA
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.