my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad