Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.