huge if true: the moon
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Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal