I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?