Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?