My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
checking out some reviews of my local library
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me trying to look natural in photos
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
2023 was just a warmup
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.