Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE