Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
respect
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks