bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
You Might Also Like
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?