Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
#ParentingFacts
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.