What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
A short story about romance.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Battery falling down a hole