If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.