ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
when someone compliments me
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
#parenting
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!