Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.